Who Should Officiate A Same Sex Union?

With the rise of gay and lesbian unions, many couples are finally deciding to take the plunge and have a public commitment ceremony. Although several states now legally recognize same sex unions, many do not. If you have decided to make your relationship 'official' you may wonder who will perform a ceremony for you.

If you live in a state where same sex unions are not legally recognized, finding an officiant may be a difficult task. However, there are several options available to you.

If you would like a religious commitment ceremony, check with your local congregation. If you do not belong to a congregation, check with your local Unitarian Universalist, Episcopalian, Protestant, Buddhist, and Reform Judaism congregations. Some allow same sex unions and some religions leave it up to the judgment of their clergy. Do not get disappointed if your first few contacts do not perform such ceremonies, there are plenty of ministers and rabbis who do. You may also want to visit gay friendly internet communities to find recommendations for clergy in your area.

If clergy or a justice of the peace is not an option, you may consider asking a friend or close family member who is good at public speaking to officiate the ceremony. Consider people who are completely supportive of you and who will have wise things to say about love and marriage. Their words should be reflective of your relationship and commitment to each other.

Once you have selected someone to perform your ceremony, make sure you go over all the details of your union. Be sure to discuss how you would like the ceremony to be performed, how you will perform your vows, and what the officiant will say during the service. It is important to your wedding day that everyone is on the same page and knows what needs to be done.

Finally, if you cannot find someone who is appropriate for your needs, consider having a ceremony that you both will officiate. In this situation, you both would welcome those who have come, say a short reading or something reflective about your relationship, exchange vows, exchange rings and seal your public commitment with a kiss. If you are a bit shy publicly speaking, this option may not be for you.

By:Erica Tevis

Sharing the Bed at Your Parents' House

You’re sexually liberated-- in fact, you’re practically living with your boyfriend. So why should you have to pretend you’re not having sex with your partner when you go home to stay with your folks over Christmas? Indeed. You’re an adult, there’s nothing to be ashamed of and it should be easy to broach the topic, right? Hmmm. I know many a 30 or even 40 year old who’ve asked themselves this question, while they’re lying shivering in their childhood single bed with a grumpy partner tucked up on the fold-down bed in the loungeroom.

It’s not easy to come right out and say ‘Hey Mom and Dad. I know you probably know I’m not a virgin but do you think we’ve reached the stage where I can leave no doubt by shagging my boyfriend under your roof?’ Which is why I don’t suggest you do. But there is a way to get your way without making everyone wish the floor open and put you all out of your misery.

First up, prepare them before you arrive so you’re not confronted with made up beds in separate rooms. Simply say, ‘Mum or Dad, I’m so looking forward to spending time with you. And I know X (your partner) is too. It’s quite serious between us and I really want you to like him as much as I do.’ Now, even if it’s not serious, I’d still throw this one in. For a start, you probably are keen or you wouldn’t bother bringing him home to you family. Secondly, saying you’re serious allows your parents to console themselves with the ‘They’ll probably get married, so it’s ok’ thought or almost as comforting ‘She’s in love so sex is ok’.

Once they’ve digested this, say ‘Mum/Dad, I know this is a bit awkward but would it be okay if we shared the same room? He stays over most nights or I’m at his place and it would just seem odd sleeping separately’. Note the emphasis on ‘sleeping’ - you’re trying to give the impression that’s all that will happen. Faced with such directness and honesty, most parents will cave in. After all, you’re already having sex, so it’s sort of pointless fighting it now! If they are horrified because it strongly offends their religious or moral code, it’s up to you how to deal with it. Quite frankly, if it would upset them deeply and you know they wouldn’t understand no matter how tactful you are, I wouldn’t even bother trying. Just accept you’re going to be sleeping apart for that period of time for the sake of peace.

But if they do come around, let them know how much it’s appreciated. Wait till you’re alone, give them a big hug and say ‘Thanks for letting us stay together. It means a lot and I know it may have been hard for you’. Then treat the situation with respect. If you do end up having sex, make it the quietest you’ve ever had. Don’t wander out of the room half naked and don’t leave the door open so they’re treated to the sight of you having a sexy snog. Next time round, they probably won’t bat an eyelid but the first time their little girl officially becomes a woman - well, in their eyes anyway - it can be a bit traumatic.

By: Tracey Cox

Spending Your First Holidays Together

You love your boyfriend, you love your family, you adore Christmas so all three combined should be just bliss, right? Well, if you’re lucky, it will be. If you don’t happen to have the perfect family and perfect boyfriend - and does anybody? - these tips might help smooth out any potentially awkward or inflammatory situations.

-First up, brief everyone beforehand. You don’t need to give long, involved histories but at least make sure your family and your boyfriend are up to speed with the basics. Start with what everyone does or did for a living to avoid moments like ‘God, can you imagine being a dentist? Would that not be the worst job in the world dealing with all that bad breath’, greeted by ‘Oh really? I worked as a dentist for 40 years before I retired’. It’s also worth filling in any glaring differences between you and you parents or your boyfriends upbringing or education. If you went to posh private schools and your boyfriend grew up in a council flat and attended the local comprehensive, letting everyone know can avoid embarrassing throwaways which meant nothing but could be misconstrued if someone’s a little sensitive.

-A round-up of each other’s good points (Mum's very generous, so don’t be embarrassed if she buys you a gift)and bad (So don’t be surprised if she forces food on you) can also avert disaster. If your family know your boyfriend talks loudly and is a little opinionated, they’ll be prepared for it. They might not like him, but they’re more likely to forgive if they’ve had a chance to get used to something. Finally, say to each beforehand “It’s important to me that everyone gets on and we all have a nice time. I know it’s going to be a bit weird because no-one knows each other but I know you’ll make him feel at home/make an effort to like them.”

-The moment you arrive, bustle about, talking lots and fast to fill in any awkward silences and pay lots of attention to your family as well as your partner. It’s tempting to look after him rather than them because there’s more of them, but they’ll be feeling nervous too. If they’re always used to having you to themselves, they could be slightly jealous, so show you’ve got enough love to go around.

-Lastly, don’t panic if everyone doesn’t hit it off immediately, give them a chance to relax and get used to each other. And if your very worst nightmare materializes - no-one gets on and there’s an argument - stay calm and try not to take sides. Instead, suggest you all take a bit of time out and go for a short walk with your boyfriend to hear his side, then let him cool off while you talk to your family. Most people will calm down after 20 minutes and the calmer and more logical you are, the more likely they are to all see sense.

By: Tracey Cox